Monday, January 30, 2012

All Of Me...

This song made me sob tonight. Sob.
Listen to the lyrics.
I mean, I have heard it countless times, but the lyrics mean so much more to me now.
I hear a lot from people about "guarding my heart" with the situation we are in. I am not guarding my heart, I don't want to and I don't think it's fair for me to try and love an innocent child less to protect myself. He will have all of me, all my love, because he's worth it. He's worth facing the fear of losing him. Even if loving him fully isn't enough, I will do it. There are no guarantees in this path we chose...not until everything is signed on the dotted line. We know this. We knew this goig into it. You know what though? There are no guarantees in life in general. We could lose Tate tonight, I could lose Sean tonight, but will I love them less because there is a chance they won't be with me forever? No. We chose the path we are on, we knew the heartbreak that could come of it, it is a risk we were willing to take. This is not coming from us feeling worried about our situation being changed. We honestly feel pretty confident in what will happen in our family in regards to our placement. That confidence isn't enough for me to not be completely terrified. TERRIFIED! I have had a handful of "moments" with the new little person in our life. "Moments" when I had that aching love that physically hurt, that "moment" when you know that your love for this person has changed and deepened. I am terrified of losing this little person. It makes me physically sick to think of that possibility. What if someone said to you, "there is a very slight chance that in the next few months, we may take your child away and give him to someone else and you will never see him again. It's probably not going to happen, but we have to be honest and tell you that it is a possibility...I mean, I would be shocked if it happened though so I don't want you to sit and constantly worry about it." Uh, ya right. It would be unfathomable to think that could happen, right? If you heard that, would you think, "well, I better not love you any deeper because it's too risky. I better guard my heart."? No way.
Am I terrified? Yes, beyond terrified.
Is he worth it? Without question.
Would I change anything if I could? No way, not a chance.

1 comment:

Jamie S said...

If someone told me that about my child....I'd love them more. I'd spend every moment with them. I'd make the best memories I could. In my thoughts of foster care, I've thought, if the days in my home are the only days a child get to be a child, the only days they can really play and know they will be cared for and loved, I want them to have those days. If you held back now, and if the little one was removed, the lack of affection during this time would affect him all his life. Likewise, the love he is getting will also affect him and his ability to attach and build healthy relationships, whether he is with you or with another family. "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", right? If something changes, I don't think you'll ever regret loving fully. I think it would hurt just the same. Thanks for doing what you do!