Monday, February 27, 2012

what I imagined for my life...

This may end up being long. Lots of thoughts going through my head about my life.
Do you remember when you were younger and would try to imagine what you're life would be like as you got married, had a family, a career, an adult life? I do.
Sean and I were talking about that the other day. We were talking about how our life has turned out so different than we ever had dreamed. Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be where I am today. Not only in my family life, by spiritually, physically, emotionally. I know a common topic on this blog is how God is clearly in control of my life and how His plans often seem to be far different from my own.
When I look down at my life from a distance, it is incredible how different it has turned out than I ever imagined. In fact, I still cannot believe it sometimes. It's all so fresh as so much has transpired in the last 2 1/2 months, so maybe that's why it's so unbelievable to me still.
I can't sit here and tell you that it's all so wonderful and how God made things so perfect and easy for us and my life is so happy all the time. That would be a lie.
It's been HARD! It's been hard from the beginning...from the day we said, "I do." Actually, since before that. Relationships are hard, marriage is hard, doing what God calls us to do is often times hard and scary and the devil tries to put doubt in our minds.
I love Sean so much and know that he was meant to be my husband, but I don't believe that is because everything was destined to be great all the time and we were put together because we would get along perfectly and married life would always be amazing. No, I believe we were meant for each other because we were meant to learn from each other, balance each other out, learn about ourselves through being with each other. However, it took years for me to learn that. In the beginning, I just thought that things should always be wonderful because God created us to be together so that's how it was meant to be. I was angry and doubtful (thanks to the devil) that we were actually meant for each other when things got hard. I felt like if we were meant to be together, if it was how God intended, than it should just be easy! Oh how wrong I was! God doesn't make our paths easy, he makes them necessary...necessary for us to take to get to where we are supposed to be.
In a weird way, our marriage is more difficult than it's ever been while at the same time, the best it's ever been. Does that make sense? I think it's difficult because it's hard to change, it's hard to endure things, it's hard to recognize our own faults. My marriage is at a place where we are busy and it's hard to focus on because we are so focused on our family...our children. It's at a place where I am recognizing where I NEED to change to make things grow and improve, yet my sinful self wants to remain the same, have everyone else (aka Sean) do the changing. That is the devil making me feel that way. I know so many ways that I could change to make things work better in our life, in our marriage, in our family. It's hard to admit those things and to make it priority to work on them. It's hard to recognize that things are actually often times MY FAULT. Ha...imagine that - I am actually in the wrong sometimes. :) Crazy concept.
Our marriage is the best it's ever been though because we are both growing together, changing together. happy together and we are more in love than ever. We are really at such a great place. It's still hard to be at that place because we are constantly aware of our own faults and working on changing them to make things better in our marriage. I do believe that marriage is always work, that it will be a continuous roller coaster as we grow at different paces and as we go through all of the ups and downs life gives us, but I am so glad that I am in this with Sean.
So no, my marriage is not at all how I imagined my marriage would be. I had no idea what all was involved in marriage though. So is it better than I thought it would be? YES! Is it worse and harder than I thought it would be? YES again!
And children. I have always wanted children. I was going to get married and have babies...4 or 5 (at least 1 girl and 1 boy in the mix). I was going to be a super mom. I was going to have my house clean all the time (ha...that's just funny to even type!), I was going to have the most obedient, polite, clean children. They were going to be happy and healthy in every way! I mean, why didn't people understand that the reason their children misbehaved and were obnoxious at times was because of the way they parented them?! Geesh...I was going to be consistent at all times, not put up with anything, they would know how to act and people would be so impressed with their wonderful behavior and adorableness. Really, I think I believed this. Did I ever dream that I wouldn't be able to birth children? No way! Did I ever dream I would adopt 3 children? Um, absolutely not! Adoption wasn't even on my radar! And 3 boys?! Ya, that wasn't going to happen...I needed my girl!
So to say that growing a family for me was different than I ever dreamed would be the understatement of the century!
I used to look at people who would adopt children who were medically fragile or who had Down Syndrome or were wheelchair bound or had other disabilities and think, "Wow, I could never do that!" Well apparently I can. And I can tell you this much, I have doubted our decisions every step of the way! I have been so scared and had 2nd thoughts. I have wondered what on earth we have gotten ourselves into and dreamed about what life would be like had we not done this. I have feared that we were just making things harder on our marriage and that we had ruined Tate. The devil put those thoughts into my head. I know this. The devil is smart and knows how to squeeze his way into our life when we're weak. He has found his way in so many times.
You know what? I have loved these boys through everything. I have had doubts and been scared and wondered if we were doing the right thing. Never did I doubt my love for these boys or wish they weren't in our family. Never did I think that I could easily hand them over and say, "nevermind, we can't do this." Our boys have taught us so much more than I ever dreamed a child could. It's been so hard to be a mother to 1 child, let alone 2 more who require much different care than a completely healthy child would. It's been scary and brought out so many bad things in me at times. And you know what else...they are not always obedient and are almost always messy and disheveled and they cry in public, have temper tantrums, whine, are disrespectul and do things that are embarassing. I give into them almost daily and let them get away with things that I know I shouldn't. I am tired and enjoy naptime and bedtime almost more than any other part of the day and I don't have my girl!
So to say that being a mom is different than I ever imagined it would be is the understatement of the century! Is it the better than I ever imagined it could be? Oh my, ABSOLUTELY! Is it the hardest thing I have ever done and sometimes impossible to imagine handling it for another second? Without a doubt!
My life is NOTHING like I imagined it would be. Not in the slightest.
It's harder.
It's scarier.
It's more tiring.
It's frustrating.
It's more exciting.
It's happier.
It's more wonderful.
It's full of love.
There are some things that are completely out of my control about my life that I would change if I could. However, I don't believe that if I were able to change those things that it would make my life a better life at all...just a different one. I can only change my reactions to things that are thrown at me, my response to the path God has paved for my life.
I won't even begin to imagine what is ahead for my life because if history repeats itself, it will be a waste of my time to even try. :)

1 comment:

Candi said...

Ya, that goes for most of us on this journey called life! Some are a bit more crazy & filled with all different spices.... you may be in that catagory but certainly are not alone. Isn't it great to look back though and realize how little we really do know about our future?! It would be so boring if everything worked out the way WE planned rather than His plan... : )