Thursday, May 10, 2012

my rambling thoughts tonight... mind is on overdrive tonight.  I am feeling so much that I can't even attach an emotion to it. 

We FINALLY found out today that we are in fact closing on our house on the latest possible day...June 15th.  So frustrating, yet also so exciting to have a date nailed down finally.

Today was a good day in regard to our kids.  They were well behaved and it was a very low stress day.  These days are few and far between.  It's been hard, friends...really hard.  We knew this transition from a family of 3 to a family of 5 (two children of which require extensive care) would be straining.  Living out what we believed it would be like has been much more difficult than we could have known.  We will make it through and I fully believe we will come out on the other end stronger, but please tell me when we will be coming out on the other end!  So we are truly going day by day, hour by hour, sometimes even minute by minute.  I have disappointed myself countless times in the last few months with my short fuse or my over reactions to my children.  There is no excuse...although I am constantly making excuses.  "I am tired", "I am emotionally drained", "there aren't enough hours in the day", "I don't have enough hands", "I just need time to myself", etc. etc.  I need to stop with the excuses.  We can do this...we can.  We will.  We DO want to, FULLY.  It's just hard.  It's hard to not have people who are going through the exact same thing as you that fully understand.  It's hard to feel alone and feel mad at yourself for not doing better. So that's all I have to say about that...

Tate will have his last week of preschool next week.  Why am I so emotional about this?!  I mean, in a week, I will have a kindergartener!!!  That's just too much for me to soak in right now.  Tate's my baby.  Period.

I have been thinking about my friends as of late.  Over my life I have had lots of close friends.  Some of us have parted ways and some of our friendships have grown stronger or just changed into something different than they were in the beginning.  However, this is one area in my life where I feel fully satisfied.  I have a small group of unbelievable friends that I can go to for anything.  Whether they live near or far, whether we talk daily or monthly or even only a few times a year, I have the most unbelievable and supportive friendships.  I feel like I have been faultering at being a good friend as of late.  I can't stand that feeling.  It's so interesting how friendship you can have so many different friends who you can go to and feel comfortable telling anything to, your deepest feelings.  They may all even give the same words of wisdom to you or all be equally supportive, but somehow each friendship is so very different.  Each friendship fills a place in your heart that is meant for that friend to fill and each friendship is equally as important as the next, yet so completely different.  Strange how that works.  I am blessed by these friendships though, blessed that I have so many women I can go to at anytime.  So blessed that I can count on each of them to be there for me and hopefully they know I would always be there for them as well.  So blessed that these friendships are like family, that with several of them, our husbands and children love spending time together as well, that we can hang out all night long, vacation together, share babysitters or all go out to dinner together.  I love that too. :)

And then there's the blessing of our super supportive families.  We have made some major life changes lately (as you know!) and though many of our family members think we are a bit nuts (which I think we are too!), they have been so helpful and supportive and wonderful.  I could write a book about how blessed we are with our families, so I won't even bore you with all of that.

I guess with all of the difficulties we're having and stress we are feeling at this season of our lives, I am just in awe of how wonderful these friends and family have been.  All of YOU have kept us afloat by either listening to me vent, helping me focus on other things, making me laugh, helping watch our children, offering up meals and prayers and clothing and toys your children don't use anymore and so much more.  You all do this for us and I am feeling like I have been unable to repay you or am caught up so much in the chaos of my life that I have not done a sufficient job of showing our appreciation.  So thank you.  Although saying "thank you" seems so insignificant in comparison to how important you all have been to us.

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