a vow to be more honest

I have spent the last hour and a half reading a blog written by a birth mother with a most amazing story. I got sucked in and am addicted. What an amazing thing it is to read the true thoughts of a birth mom. I always wonder. I always wonder how Brandon and Maggie feel. How they felt when they met us. Did they think we were good enough? Were we the parents they wanted to place their baby with? Were we who they thought we were?

Well the author of the blog I'm reading posted about how her adoptive parents are always on their "best behavior" and it drives her nuts. They never bicker or argued in front of her, everything is always great and wonderful. She said in the glimpses of reality, of those times they may have not been able to hide their annoyed feelings...that's when she loved them most. She got to see the "real" parents and people they were.

I must admit, I even edit things I include on this blog in fear of being judged. I even on occasion get comments about why I blog certain things, why I posted that. Well, this blog is for me, for Sean, for Tate. A scrapbook, a keepsake, a calendar of our life and what we were doing when. Don't get me wrong...I love that I have so many people who enjoy reading about our ordinary family and the emails and comments I get in response are such an encouragement to me! I am doing this calendar and myself an injustice if I leave out the somewhat "inappropriate" or "uncomfortable" things. I have done it before, and I am sure I will do it again, but right now...I am vowing to be more honest on here. To hide less of my feelings and thoughts. No more fear of the chance that someone might read it and think differently of me. I am okay with people thinking of me as I am...just me. Imperfections and all. I have never attempted to portray being a perfect person or the perfect family on this blog, but I certainly have left out some less than perfect thoughts and feelings I've had. I am going to make an attempt to be more honest.

I truly appreciate being able to read the honest feelings of this birth mother. It has helped me understand some of the feelings Maggie and Brandon may feel. Without her honest blogging, I would still wonder more things than I do now. Hopefully my honesty, especially in regards to our adoption, will help others who are linked to my blog from the Open Adoption Bloggers community I am now participating in.

I do feel as though I have been extremely open and honest when it comes to our adoption. There isn't much I have left out. I have a deep, honest love for Maggie and Brandon as well as Marsha and Gary (Tate's amazing birth grandparents) that I have always been open about. It is a love that is so special and real. Also, I believe we had the most amazing adoption experience and have been blessed with this truly incredible story. All of this I have been clear about. With the addition of Maggie in our lives, we feel that things just couldn't be better with our situation. However, with this adoption came indescribable fear, pain, guilt, jealousy, selfishness and hurt.

I was talking to my friend Lora tonight about adoption and how so many people don't know how wonderful it is. It's true, I want to spread the word, I wish everyone understood the blessing that adoption is! I want to be honest though, I want to tell about the amazing moments and the bad moments we endured throughout the process. Every moment of fear or hurt or pain was worth it, don't get me wrong. I would do it a million times over, but I just realized that if I was someone looking into learning about adoption and read our story, I wouldn't think there was ANY difficulty! I would be slapped in the face with it unexpectedly just as Sean and I were!

There is pain. There is STILL pain, fear, guilt, jealousy, selfishness and hurt. I could go on and on about all of that, just as I could go on and on about all of the indescribable joy that our adoption has brought...about how it is the best decision we ever made and how it changed us as people for the rest of our lives and blessed us in ways we never imagined. Tonight though, I won't ramble on. I will try to give bits and pieces over time because I know there are many of you out there that are now reading this blog for the purpose of learning about adoptive parents perspective on adoption. And this is why I joined the Open Adoption Bloggers. And I am so excited to spread the word about our open adoption to anyone who will listen! :)