Vivid Memories

I did my Aunt Cathy's hair tonight and probably overstayed my welcome just chatting. It's nice to get away sometimes and just chat. I love being with my little family, but when I get those moments away, I realize how much I need them. It seems I never really realize all that's on my mind until I sit down with someone (especially Cathy) with no distractions and just talk. And as many of you know, I am a talker. :) It's nice to get someone else's perspective on the things that are floating around in my head.

This time of year brings back all of the feelings of when we first met Tate. Not that I don't think about those feelings nearly every day, but for some reason, in the fall...it's more real, more vivid of a memory. It's amazing that nearly 2 years have gone by. I still feel hurt in my heart when I think of certain parts of our adoption story. Still the same hurt that was there when we drove off with Tate leaving Brandon behind. Still the hurt of thinking about Maggie and what she must be going through. There was an unbelievable amount of joy that words can't do justice as well. I feel that joy still now as well. I have these feelings of gratitude that I can't describe, feelings that I have for 2 years been trying to verbalize to Brandon and Maggie or have been trying to be able to put into words on paper, but I can't. I STILL have to pinch myself that I am so blessed with this child. This journey has been different than I ever thought it would be. It has caused me to change in ways I never knew existed. It has caused me to love in a way that I never knew possible...not only to love my son, but to have a piece of two people in my life, in my heart...two people that I never knew there was a place in my heart for because they were strangers to me. In addition to that, I have fallen in love with Brandon's family as well...seeing Tate with his Grandma and Grandpa and his birth father is a blessing that I never dreamed of. I cannot imagine doing this adoption in any other way.

As I look back to where Sean and I were 2 years ago, it just gives me chills. It is amazing how our lives were flipped upside down as we entered into this journey of parenthood through adoption with NO IDEA what a blessing it would be...how we would become two different people with transformed hearts and lives and how our family would grow so immensely in such a short time. I can't believe it's been 2 years! I remember wondering if the feelings of gratitude, joy, amazement and awe of this entire situation would ever diminish and I think I am starting to realize that they won't. And I don't know that I want them to...I don't ever want to forget the magnitude of the gift that we were given, of the deep love that 2 people (and their supportive families) had for this amazing little person, the love that led them to make the decision to allow us to have the joy of being able to be his Momma and Daddy.

It seems that God's plans for my life have proven much different than I ever imagined, much more complicated than I ever thought I wanted, but much more fulfilling than I ever dreamed! I feel a guilt that I cannot describe when I am not at my best with Tate. A guilt that not only am I letting Tate down, but I am letting his birth parents down as well. They chose ME to be his mother because they felt I could do the job. I feel like the least that I can do for them is be the most amazing mother to Tate. I hope I am doing that. And though I mess up and am not always the best mom, wife, daughter, sister or friend I could be, it is by God's grace I am forgiven and can pick myself up and learn to be better. I have A LOT to work on, but one thing is true...I am so in love with Tate that the word love doesn't feel like enough to describe the feeling in my soul I have for him.