It changed me.

I can't stop reliving the day we met Maggie (Tate's birth mother) in my head. It changed me. I needed it. I knew all along, from the day we got "the call" about Tate that I wanted Maggie to be in our lives...most of all, Tate's life. I also knew it may never happen. I hoped and prayed about it constantly. We were so blessed to have the most amazing relationship with Brandon, Tate's birth father and wanted so deeply to have that with Maggie as well. After a couple of years went by, I just think we started to accept the fact that it would likely never happen. And though we felt that way, we knew without a doubt that it was not for her lack of love for Tate that we may not meet her. In fact, we knew it was because of the deep love she has for Tate that it would be too hard to be in his life.We always talk about Maggie and Brandon to Tate. From the day we held him for the first time, we have talked about them to Tate and prayed for them with Tate and tell Tate all the time how much they love him. We never wanted him to wonder if he was loved by Brandon and Maggie. He has had from day 1 the relationship with Brandon to feel first hand that love, but we feared that no matter how much we told him that Maggie loves him, he wouldn't understand why she wasn't in his life. That worry is now gone. And I had no idea what a burden it was inside of me until it went away! What a weight that was lifted from me! To know that Tate will not have to just trust our words telling him how loved he is, but that he will get to feel that love first hand from BOTH of his amazing birth parents...wow, there are just no words!

I know I mentioned it in my post about his meeting with Maggie, but I truly am amazed at how we feel so much more complete now that we have met Maggie. And not a day has gone by since that day that Tate hasn't said, "Mommy, I want to go on a picnic again!" He knew that day was special. He also had a natural comfort about him even though he had just met Maggie. It was natural for him with her...which is actually pretty unnatural for Tate. He doesn't do well with new people...he is shy, quiet and nervous. This was different and it was amazing to watch...amazing.

I know I may be repeating myself in documenting these feelings that I have written about before, but I just can't help myself. I know that so many people don't understand why we chose an open adoption. We have even had people voice to us that they disagree with our choice of an open adoption. I could go on and on about all that I've read and learned about the benefits of an open adoption, but feeling it, actually living it is something that is so difficult to put into words.

Simply put, Tate has a mother's love from 2 women and a father's love from 2 men and there is just nothing bad that can come of him being loved that much! There is just no such thing as TOO MUCH LOVE! There is no threat here, there is no confusion...he knows who his mommy and daddy are. In fact, I believe with every ounce of me that there will be LESS confusion within Tate because of our open adoption. He will always know he was adopted and he will never have to be confused as to why or confused as to if he was loved or is still loved. Any questions he has in regards to where he came from biologically or why an adoption plan was made by Brandon and Maggie will be able to be answered for him directly from the 2 people who made the decision! What an amazing gift!

I have thanked God every day for Maggie and Brandon since the moment we learned of Tate. I have not forgotten about them for a single day! I still can't believe this amazing adoption story is ours to live. There is pain in adoption...there is. We felt it when we took Tate home, when we drove away from Brandon with his son. I was an emotional wreck for MONTHS about the pain of it all. I have a true, deep love for both Brandon and Maggie and to know that they were going through unimaginable pain so that we could live our dream of being parents was such a heartbreak. It was something that was so unexpected and surprising. I never thought about that side of the adoption process until we were living it. I remember how I realized in an instant that adoption was not about ME and instead about the child. It wasn't about what was best for and most comfortable for Sean and I, but instead what was best for Tate. Again, something unexpected from such a selfish, sinful being as myself.

You know the commercial that says, "a baby changes everything"?
It does and it did...everything.
I know all of the mothers and fathers reading this will agree.
In the same light...
Adoption changes everything!
It does and it did.
It changed me.
Forever, in ways I never dreamed.
It changed me.