Tate had a ridiculously bad day today. Yikes, it was ugly. And my parenting was not top notch. I yelled at him more than once today, had no patience for his constant whining and tantrums. It was like he had no care in the world what I asked of him...he would look me right in the eye and tell me "no" and then go about doing whatever it was I had asked him to stop. He has also started hitting Sean when he's mad it him...I'm talking smacking him straight on the bald head. In true "Mother of the Year" fashion, I laughed the first time he did it. I am sorry, it was just funny hearing the slap sound right on the top of Sean's head. Ya, that wasn't a good idea to laugh at that. Parenting fail 483 for the week.
My running. I blogged about how wonderful and easy it was that first day that I picked it back up again. Ya, that feeling went away after about 3 blocks of running today. Today was Day 3 of being back to a running routine. I am sore, I didn't want to go this morning, I was praying the entire time that I could make it without stopping. It was miserable. I have a love/hate relationship with running. I only blog that I love it...I know. Mostly I do...every moment that I am NOT running, I love it. Of the half hour that I am actually doing it, for about 25 minutes of it I am HATING it. When that half hour increases to 45 minutes, I am anticipating hating it for 35 of those minutes. Just so we're clear, the SECOND I am done, I feel fantastic and am so happy I did it...and soooo happy it's over! Since at least 23 hours out of the day, I love running, I am still going to say I love it...because I do. Right?
Yes, we are excited to adopt another child. Soooo excited. However, I haven't blogged in depth about how soooo scared and nervous we are too. This adoption will be very different from adopting a healthy infant and getting him straight from the hospital. We are entering a world that is so new to us that no class will be able to teach us what to do in all situations. Sometimes I fear that we won't be able to handle some of the issues that may come up. I am selfishly scared that this child or children will never fully feel like we are their parents when I will want so desperately for them to feel that way. One time (about a year ago), Tate yelled from time out at the top of his lungs, "YOU'RE NOT MY MOMMY!!!!!" and though I truly don't think he really knew what that meant and think it was just a random statement that he would have made whether he had been adopted or not, it stung me to the core. Oh.my.goodness. I can't even tell you how deeply those words affected me and I fear that I will hear that from our next child(ren) again, only this time they will understand what they're saying and mean it.
And while I am talking about children. I still also get jealous of pregnancy. Not like I used to and not that I have a desire to get pregnant because I truly don't. I feel passionate about adoption and thank God every day he opened our family's eyes to adoption. However, adoption is expensive and scary. I still have jealousy towards people who want to grow their family and so all they have to do is get pregnant. Simple as that. And I know there is more to it than that and there are a whole different set of risks and costs and fears, but in my sinful heart and mind I sometimes still think, "it's not fair...why can't it be that east for us!"
I am terrible at saying "no". Terrible. I genuinely want to say "yes" to everything. I am scared of people thinking that I am not nice or don't care or am self centered if I say "no" to something they've asked of me. It has gotten me into lots and lots of stressful situations. I sometimes commit to too much. I want to help everyone and do all I can for everyone, but I think that sometimes I lose myself in the process. Oh, but then there are so many ways in which I am so selfish. Ahhhh, it's such a problem! And honestly, I wrote and deleted and then wrote this paragraph again because I don't want any of you to think that in writing this I am in any way, shape or form trying to hint at you all to not ask me for help or favors. It is truly one of my greatest joys to be able to help others and to strive to be a good friend or family member, so please don't think that. I just need to learn how to balance things...it's not something I have mastered. I need to learn my limits.
4 comments:
One word......AMEN!!! Thanks for sharing your "truths". It does feel good to know I am not alone in the fact that there is a pile of laundry that needs my attention, toilets that need to be scrubbed and much, much more!
Who was this friend that made you do this? I hope she was honest herself and assured you that everyone struggles! And by the way, even on his worst day, Tate is still precious. :-)
Heidi...I forgot to mention our toilets. Ya, they're bad too! :)
Leslie...nope, the friend that MADE me do this has a perfect life...no struggles at all. Well, at least by the looks of her blog she does! ;) Kidding.
There us no doubt children are always precious but that doesn't mean there aren't days you want to ship them away :). Thanks for sharing, Jennie. It is always good to hear someone else being "real" and talking about the crappy parts of life. After a not nice comment from a friends girlfriend about SAHM's I've decided all parents should be require to stay home with their kids for t least 2 weeks....they can see for themselves that it's not as easy as it seems!
Love reading your blog....even though I sometimes feel like I'm stalking you, ha!
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