Struggling

Sean and I have been discussing adoption a lot lately. We are more busy than we have ever been, we are financially strained with Sean in school and the thought of him remaining in school for quite some time, it seems there are not enough hours in the day to spend quality time together as a family as much as we would like, we are tired from our crazy schedules and we live in a rental home for the time being that is not particularly large. We still desire another child. We know that this is not the most convenient time at all to even be considering growing our family once again. There are so many reasons that this is the 'wrong time' for us, but we find our selves talking about it all of the time, trying to talk ourselves into ways to make it work, trying to convince ourselves (and others) that we can do this. We know that in a few years, the time will be more 'convenient', but we are heart broken to think that we may have to wait another several years.

I am writing this just because it has been weighing particularly heavy on my heart these last couple of weeks. I have been told, "it's just not the right time" or "you're young, you have plenty of time" or "you have to be realistic, you can't do this right now" or "just pray about it and it will all work out as it should". I have been praying constantly and I just feel that my heart gets more and more heavy with the feeling that my second child is out there somewhere. Maybe he/she is not born yet, but I feel my child growing in my heart just like we felt Tate growing in our hearts from the moment we decided we were definitely going to adopt; which also happened to be the same month he was conceived.

I have been struggling so much with the fact that it is not as easy for us to grow our family as it is for others. I am embarrassed to admit that I have again been feeling that it is not fair that we can't just say, "okay, we want to have our second child, let's start trying to get pregnant". I am not saying that I wish I could get pregnant, I am absolutely passionate about the blessing of adoption, and will not feel at all like I am 'missing out' if I don't have a biological child. The fact that we can't just decide to have a baby and not have to worry about all of the expense that go along with it is what I am talking about. Our health insurance doesn't pay for us to adopt, but if we were able to get pregnant, we could have another child and not have to worry about paying tens of thousands of dollars to deliver it. I am complaining and I am sounding ridiculous I know, but these are the feelings I have been struggling with. This is me being completely honest. This is me not trusting enough in the Lord's plan for my life, not allowing Him to take the wheel, me wanting to be in control, me being selfish. I do believe God created me to be an adoptive mother, I do believe that Tate was created for us and that he came into our lives at the perfect time, God's time. For some reason, my heart keeps telling me that it is time again, that God is preparing me for another child. I will wait, I will pray for patience, and I will pray to follow God's heart and not my own.