Emotional

I am not sure why I have been especially emotional this week, but for some reason, I have been. I think it's possibly because Maggie's (Tate's birthmother) birthday is coming up and I have been deciding on something to send her and have just had her on my mind lately. It made me realize that through these past 5 months, Tate has grown and changed and become so animated and has made us so happy that I have I have days that I forget the pain that Maggie and Brandon have gone through and continue to go through. It breaks my heart to even admit that I have forgotten their pain. When I look at Tate, I am SO grateful for him and feel so blessed! For some reason, lately, all of the emotions that I felt when we first got him have come streaming back...the emotions of sadness for Brandon and Maggie. We are so grateful to have Brandon continue to be a part of Tate and our lives, but I so badly wish that we could have that same thing with Maggie...that Tate could have that same thing with Maggie. Is he going to wonder why he doesn't know her? Are we going to know the right things to say to explain why? I never want for him to wonder anything. I want to have the answers for him, but I don't know if we will.

Tate is 5 months tomorrow and I feel like it was just yesterday that I was sitting at home praying for a baby. I never dreamed that the process of getting Tate would be such a rollercoaster of emotions. I had NO IDEA what I was getting into. I knew nothing of the intense love I would feel for Tate or the extreme joy I would have just looking at him. I was anxious to feel those feelings, I knew I would, but I had no idea how wonderful it would be and how it would feel to truly love my child in a way only a mother can know. What I didn't anticipate was the deep pain and heartache I would feel. I had not a clue that I would feel this much pain for my baby's birthparents, that I would feel it nearly every day. This pain is like nothing I've felt...I can't describe what it's like to feel it while at the same time feeling so much love and joy. It's so hard. Will it ever go away? Is it selfish for me to want it to go away? If it does, is that wrong? I hope this emotional state I have been in these past few days passes, yet I almost feel like I owe it to Maggie and Brandon to feel this pain. I am hurting for them tonight and will go to bed praying many prayers of healing for them.